History Ain’t What It Was #11

For the right price, and ONLY face to face, with no listening or recording devices present, we can impart the full contents of this secret conversation.  We are open to offers.


We’re running a contest.  It’s quick and poorly thought-through.  Check here for details.

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Discussion (48) ¬

  1. comichero

    Ha didnt think the imp were hurting for money but all the same how much and do i get a dis count for being a loyal IMPloyee?

  2. Lazar

    The right price? A lollypop and a couple of pieces of lint in my pocket.

  3. Courtney

    I don’t think they’re hurting for money. They just can’t get some of the goodies back home, that they can get here. Things like lollipops, pocket lint, candy corn, chick-o-sticks, Hall and Oats music, floppy disks, Zenith Beta VCR’s, Teddy Ruxpin, Jellies(the footwear), MSG and High Fructose Corn Syrup, Garbage Pail Kids, Medicinal Cannibus, and greeting cards…just to name a few. :)

  4. keylaleigh

    I still have some Poke’yamom cards…

  5. Melkior

    You do realise, I hope, that no matter the fact that this strip was made entirely for the sight-gag of Luci’s changing expressions, your fans are not going to settle for having no explanation for those expressions and will demand that you provide Pain’s commentary and that it correspond exactly with Luci’s facial contortions?

    Mr Squeaky the hamster says he’s a fan and he wants Pain’s dialog. So there!
    Told ya so! :-)

  6. dale_mettam

    And you should realize that I can deliver said dialog, and it does match exactly with the facial expressions.

    You (and Mr Squeaky) should also know that just because I should, doesn’t mean I will. In fact it likely as not means I won’t.

    ‘Cos that’s the way I roll. 😀 Assy like.

  7. keylaleigh

    And I’m not joking about the poke’yamom cards. Piggiechoo is drawn and colored! And a few others that I came up with off of the top of my head.

  8. keylaleigh

    And on the bonus… how come I picture Pain singing…

    “AaaaAAANnnnDDDdd! IIIIIiiiiiiiIIIIII…. WiLL AllLLLLWWWwwwAAAYYYyyyssss…. LoooOOOOVE YOOOOOooooooOOOOUUUuu!”

  9. Ragedoll

    I want to know what Pain is saying too – half for Luci’s expression and the rest for Pain’s in the last frame!

    Gooood ol Karaoke : )

  10. Kiriel

    Agreed, Ragedoll, but mine is from both (nothing can make me make Luci’s face anymore.. but I an very curious about Pain’s..)

  11. dale_mettam


    OK guys, since you all wanna know what Pain says, and I’m not gonna tell ya, we decided it might be fun to let you guys who want to, put words in Pain’s mouth.

    Post your results here in this comment section. Anywhere else and we won’t look.
    One entry per person. So make it a good one.
    No more that 15 words per panel – four panels in total.
    The dialog MUST match Luci’s reactions.
    The dialog MUST all flow and make sense.
    DEADLINE is midnight Thursday 24th June (when the new strip goes live).

    Winner will be chosen based solely on which one Courtney and I think is the best. Winner will receive a piece of Luci Phurr’s Imps Original Artwork signed by Mr. H himself.

    Have fun.

  12. keylaleigh

    Ooh… pressing deadline. I’ll see what I can do.

  13. dale_mettam

    Rest of today and all of tomorrow. I usually do six weeks worth of strips in that time.

    …which explains the poor quality. 😀

  14. comichero

    well if this is consiered poor quality then i’d i love to see what you think is great quality and i accept your challenge dale tho i unequivocally end up losing to Keyla again. All the same i whille tempt this monumental task

  15. comichero

    OK! i think i got it nailed down n othing too great somthing i banged out here inthe last few minutes.dont worry after each panel i explain whats being said also pwss equal pain whipering….

    Panel 1 “You see…pwsss …farmer….pwsss…pig….pwsss…cork…pwsss…mayor ( pain is telling luci that they had a compittion that the farmer withthe biggest pig would become mayor ha ha silly colonists)

    Panel2 “Then…pwsss…biggest….pwssss….cork…..pwssss…….pig’s butt….pwsss….. ( in this panel pain tell her the famer had a great idea to get his pigg to be the biggest by sticking a cork up the pig’s butt…. boooo babd farmer hurting the poor little piggy like that)

    Panel3 “And then…pwsss..pig got fatter….pwsss… and fatter…pwsss. the farmer became mayor…..( we to luci’s surpize the farmers plan is working working so well in fact that the farmer has become mayor)

    Panel4 “Then….mayor…..trained monkey….pwsss……cork…. pwsss… pigs butt….. pwsss…..poop….doctor….. poor little monkey………( and finally we have pain tell poor luci that the new mayor had become curious as to what might happen to his pig after the cork was removed so he got a trained monkey to pull the cork out watching from the stall next to the pigs he watched the monkey pull the cork out of the pigs butt and he fainted from the smell of poop when he woke up he was at the dotors house and the doctor askedhim what happend and the mayor said that all he saw was the poor little monkey trying to put the cork back in the pig’s butt it was this story that made althe colonist laugh them selves to death)

    well there you have it my take on what was said to luci hope you enjoy probly wont be as great as Keyla’s or even as good as dales explaination but there you have it

  16. Ragedoll

    Dale I have one very important question about the “rules” for the contest…

    Why on earth does it have to make sense?

  17. dale_mettam

    Ragedoll – it must make sense within its own confines. So if you decided that the Loch Ness monster was the cause, it all has to make sense based around that… if you suddenly dropped in Aliens and Tom Cruise, then you stepped out of the flow you’d initially set.

    So in general terms, it just has to stay true to itself. But yeah, the entire thing doesn’t have to, and in context of other strips, probably should not make any sense in OUR universe and the laws of nature we follow.

    Did that make sense? 😀

  18. sjwanderer

    4) …. and then I pooped.

  19. Dangerdoll

    I don’t think I’ve told you guys how much I love checking this strip out. I love that we get very cool bonus incentives pictures, weekenders , Behind the imps, great fans to hang with and now… CONTESTS! L?ve it! L?ve it! :) I’m a happy fan 😀

  20. Ragedoll

    Lol awesome to know, but what if the Loch Ness monster had shown up in a pink dress (1) And then aliens came and tried to abduct Nessy (2) but then Tom Cruise came in like a super spy from the future to save her (3) Then Tom and Nessy made babies, and the babies ate the townspeople (4)?

  21. dale_mettam

    SJW – you are contestant #2. Minimalist in the extreme. 😀

    To the Doll of the Danger variety – You are welcome… we do it all for you. 😀

    And the Rage variety – is that your entry? 😉

  22. Ragedoll

    Sure why not : )

  23. dale_mettam

    If you win, Ragedoll, you owe me half your prize!

  24. Ragedoll

    .. Ok Dale, I’ll agree, but on the condition that I get the good half of the artwork! haha

  25. hubert

    1st explosive diaria 2nd escape 3rd suffication 4th organs stuck to walls and corpses on rooftops

  26. Courtney

    1.) Are you familiar with the “Pull My Finger Joke” people play?

    2.) You know…the same one I played on you in the elevator.

    3.) Well I invented that game, and the folks in Roanoke were the first victims.

    4.) Unfortunately I miscalculated, and over-delivered

  27. Ragedoll

    I think i still like baby Cruiness’s

  28. dale_mettam

    So far that Courtney dude is in the lead….


    Wait a minute….


  29. Courtney

    Disqualified? Fine Mr. World Cup Ref!

    Anyway, welcome Hubert, SJwanderer, and Lazar.

  30. dale_mettam

    Clearly there was nothing technically wrong with your entry, Mr. H. It wasn’t bad actually… when it comes to writing, you’re actually a damn fine artist.

    However, if the World Cup has taught us nothing else, none of that matters. OFF SIDE! Doesn’t count. Done.

  31. Lazar

    Thanks! I’ve been reading this for a while. 😀 I’m also in ur facebooks, readin’ ur posts! But yeah, to be honest, I always knew that one could rule a chunk of Hell if one had an infinite supply of thin mints.

  32. comichero

    maybe the folks of roanoke sold their souls to hell and took up residents there for free thin mints but i think im gonna stick with my original entry i seem to have started a poo and rear exitting gasses motief yay me and my oooow idea moments they are infectious like yawns

  33. Bismarck

    @ Dale. What I mean is, That I want to be The Demon ‘Rage’s’ little brother….”Road Rage” 😉 You should see my car, not a dent on it, but no one likes it when I pass them!

    I think ‘Master Lucy’ learned something very interesting!

  34. Ragedoll

    I’m sad no one else has made an entry yet haha

  35. UrbanGypsy

    1) The people of Roanoke were having a chili fest. They made really great chili.
    2) I wish I had the recipe.
    3) I love chili. But it makes me gassy.
    4) I ate over fifteen batches of that chili…

  36. dale_mettam

    Time is running out for any of you guys want to make a last minute entry.

    You know if Landon Donovan enters, he might be the winner, will do it at 11:59pm and will be buried under a mountain of bodies shortly after. Better try to beat the dog pile!

  37. Melkior

    1. You know those funny hats people always wore in olden times?
    2. I put microwave transmitters into all their hats to see if it would give them telepathy.
    3. But instead of telepathy, it cooked their brains.
    4. Then their heads all exploded.

    *squeak-a, squeak-a, squeak-a. Squeak!*
    Mr Squeaky laughed and says he likes that one.
    Mr Squeaky has a morbid sense of humor. 😉
    Waitaminnit….. 😮

  38. comichero

    woooo coming down to the wire people will keyla enter somthing awesome at tehr last minute will i take the gold or be ruined but one of the other contestants willdale let courney entry count!! stay tuned ti ll next weeks exciting adventure into hell on Luci Phurrs Imps!!

  39. UrbanGypsy

    Sooooo… who won? O_o

  40. dale_mettam

    Need to get with Courtney and make a decision.

    This could result in cussing, spitting, slapping and sulking… and then I will tell Courtney what I think.

    We’ll let you know.

  41. UrbanGypsy

    Sounds good to me. Would you like to borrow my flame thrower? it may be helpful…

  42. dale_mettam

    Anything significantly more technologically complex than a pencil and Courtney will break it.

    He doesn’t need to USE it. Just looking at it… being in the same room… it’s the gift that makes him special.

  43. UrbanGypsy

    Oh dear… It’s like a super power… villains wouldn’t be able to use any kind of technological weapon on him…

  44. dale_mettam

    Yeeeees… super power…..

  45. dale_mettam

    And the winner of our “Put Words in Pain’s Mouth Contest is……


    Send us an email via the contact page and give us a mailing address and we’ll get your prize in the mail.

    And if you didn’t win, look out for a new contest soon.

  46. Ragedoll

    haha nice choice, even if there were no babies eating people :)

  47. xoer

    what happened to the Roanoak colony is they were left without help for 3 F**KING years and ended up intermarrying to the local native tribe and resettling on Croatian Island

    not sure why lucy is making that face though?

  48. Visagor

    heres my entry. One day the colonists were having a joke competition. then , out of nowhere, came MATTY! he then pulled out a strange device and warped them into trees, which he then decided to “get dirty” with the ones who were women.